Friendships 1

I spent a good 30 minutes on the "couch of confusion" last night. It's been a regular destination for me in the last couple of weeks. For whatever reason, I've struggled with some personal issues, church issues, parenting issues and, without fail, I've ended up on the couch of confusion to think things through. Not much happens on the couch that's visible to the naked eye. I just sit. Sit and think. Not much else happens. I rarely solve anything and God has yet to birth a miraculous solution in my head for whatever I'm struggling with.

Last night, the issue was friendships. I start a new series of teachings on Sunday about the people we need in our lives (encouragers, butt-kickers, editors, etc.) Leave it to me to preach a bunch of stuff that I desperately need in my life. Why do I teach about grace so often? Because I am in need of so much grace. Why do I talk about our capacity to sin? Because I have a PhD in sinning. Why have I decided to teach about friendships? Because I need friends and, more importantly, I have a hard time developing friendships.

I come in contact with a lot of people each week. A lot. I am pretty good at remembering names so, on the outside, it appears as though I have more friends than I have. The truth is that my pool of friendships is quite shallow. As I write this, I can identify fewer than 12 good friends. If you are a man, my guess is that you can identify with that. If you're a woman, you can probably name 76 good friends in less than 2.5 minutes. You girls are just different. You can create a lifelong friendship with a stranger after one conversation in a public restroom. Whatever.

Last night, I gave up an opportunity to develop relationships. One of my good friends called me at 8:30 and invited me to join a few guys at a local bar to eat chicken wings, drink a beverage or two, watch basketball, and do all the other things guys do when guys get together. I declined. My reasoning: I can't stay out late because I wake up at 4:30am, I don't really enjoy the bar scene, and I hadn't connected with my wife all day. However, I think the bigger issue was that I didn't want to work at developing relationships. I would rather stay at home alone than spend time with guys who had reached out to me.

What's that all about? Maybe I'm an introvert in most situations or maybe I just say that to avoid connecting with other people. The bigger question that I'm struggling with: will I grow old and have only a handful of shallow friendships in my life? I know that I need people and, for that matter, people need me. I'm just struggling about how to get there.

Am I alone in this thing?

We are big

Yesterday, I was reminded just how egotistical I am. In a conversation with a couple of other church leaders in town, they told me that, based on an informal study of churches in our area, Crossroads is the fastest growing church between Fresno and Bakersfield. I don't know how those statistics are compiled or distributed. Perhaps there's a big church data clearinghouse in Traver that pumps out attendance and donation information for every church in the area. The database manager probably makes unannounced visits to various churches each week to make sure the senior pastor isn't inflating the numbers to look better. Likely violations include: counting people twice based on their importance to the church (1 deacon=2 people), "rounding up" to the next thousand, or counting all of the people who use the church facility during the week including lawn maintenance workers, day care employees, and the people who attend the weekly AA meeting in the fellowship hall.

So, back to my ego. As soon as I heard that we appeared to be the "big boy" in town, I puffed up. I felt as if we had successfully arrived on the church scene and Crossroads had finally got its name in big neon lights. Humility has always been a challenge for me. I work in two industries where ego is a big deal. If any radio broadcaster or pastor says that they don't struggle with humility, they're kidding themselves. Talking to thousands and thousands on the radio and more than a thousand on Sunday morning has a way of puffing you up.

So, I have to keep myself in check. I have to remember that I didn't build Crossroads and I can fall flat on my face at any time. I have proven time and time again that I can ruin absolutely anything and hurt people along the way. When people praise us for "how many" and "how much", I have to remember that Jesus commanded us to reach as many people as possible but to remember who deserves the praise, honor, and glory.

Doctors get confused, too

Five years ago, I passed out behind the wheel of my car and crashed into a fence. When I woke up in the hospital I couldn't speak or move my left side. I also had the worst headache ever recorded in the history of man. For 11 days, I was carted around the entire hospital enduring a battery of tests in an effort to determine what actually happened. My brain finally re-taught my mouth to form words after four days but my limp occasionally resurfaces when I'm tired.

In those two weeks at the hospital, I learned that medical practice is just that - practice. I really had my doctors confused. Despite all of the tests and all of their knowledge, they weren't sure what had happened. Some thought it was a stroke, others thought it was a reaction to high blood pressure, and two blamed a certain type of migraine that affects various systems in the body. All of their education and on-the-job training fell flat as some shrugged their shoulders day after day. They were confused.

The Apostle Paul got confused. While in prison, he went back and forth over whether he should live or die. If he was to live, he could do more to spread the Good News. If he was to die, he would be with Christ. In the original Greek text, Paul's grammar is that of a first grader - disjointed, confusing, and non-sensical. It's obvious that he's confused and perplexed.

We don't have to know all of the answers. In fact, we are designed to rely on a Higher Power to guide and direct us. We start to fall on our face when we think we have it all together and know all of the answers. It's ok to be confused and it's in those times that we rely on God.

Note...That whole "rely on God" thing sounds really religious and I know that pastor-type people say it all the time. Honestly, I really struggle to just "rely on God" because I have done it so many times with marginal results (at least in my opinion). So, if you're struggling with the concept of "relying on God", join the club.

Guest blogger Glen Bryant

For years I have heard people say “life is like a rollercoaster”, full of up and downs. If you really think about it though, in our lives we consider things to be going well when we are at the top, and bad at the bottom, but on a rollercoaster the best part is leaving the top and screaming down towards the bottom. Overall, I guess you could ask if after all the up and downs, did you enjoy the ride? That’s what makes people decide if they want to keep riding, isn’t it? Life is full of up and downs, so how do we come out at the end with that same excitement we have after getting off a rollercoaster?

I guess it could be the way you look at things. When we are standing on the ground looking up at the rollercoaster, we hear people screaming and we wonder…are they having fun or are they scared to death? It could be both. That seems to represent life more than the actual “ups and downs” thing, doesn’t it? So maybe the secret is finding a way to have fun while you are really scared. In the mist of your fear to know that in the end it’s going to be all right, to know that you are not going to fall off the ride, because something is holding on to you, to “enjoy the ride”.

The other day I was trying to make a decision of whether or not to take the money I had saved and use it to pay off my car loan. It seemed like a good idea since I would save money on interest, but there was the thought of “what if”. You know, what if something comes up and I need that money for some unknown emergency. I’ve been through the ups and downs of finances, so I pondered over it for a couple weeks trying to decide what to do. I thought about buying some bank “CD’s” to earn interest on my money, but that didn’t make sense because the interest I was being charged on the loan was more than I would earn on the CD’s, but at least I would still have the money. Anyway, the good decision for me was to take a chance that I wouldn’t need the money and pay off the loan. As I hit the icon on my computer to send the payment it was a fearful, but good feeling. (Like flying around a corner on a fast moving rollercoaster).

How about when we struggle with loneliness? When we are alone it can be so overwhelming at times that you what to jump on that relationship “rollercoaster” without the safety bar in place, being on the ride is better than waiting in line. Even if we know it’s not safe, it’s better than being a spectator. On the other side, we get so discouraged because of past experiences that we don’t even get on the “relationship” ride because of the fear of being disappointed at the end. We hear the screams of other people and can decide it’s not worth it. We can choose to be a spectator, and the loneliness gets worse. So how do you have fun with this?

I do know that for me, as I go through life there is one thing that gives me comfort. I know as long as I do my best to live my life in a way that honors God, that he is my “safety bar”. (Psalms 37:23-24) I know that as I go through the “rollercoaster” of life, that God is holding on to me. I know that no matter what I’m going through now, that I won’t be disappointed at the end of the ride. I know that every time I’m going through a hard time, that God has something good for me around the next turn. I knew that as I paid that bill, that God had control over any emergency. I know that as I go through periods of loneliness, that God has a plan for my future and who I spend it with. It doesn’t make it “easy”, it makes it “easier”.

The other day I was coming back from a work site about 30 miles away and about half way home I ended up behind some slow moving vehicles. The front one was a truck pulling a trailer and the second was a school bus. So I decided that even though I was in a hurry to get back, that it wasn’t worth risking a dangerous pass. I decided to just kick back and enjoy the ride. (I get paid by the hour anyway). But there were some cars behind me that weren’t feeling the same way. The lady behind me was “chomping at the bit” to get around the slow vehicles and finally did come racing around with a couple others behind her. Well, about five miles down the road, as I was getting back into town, I pulled into the left hand turn lane, and guess who was sitting to my right waiting for the light to change? You guessed it, the lady who risked her, and her kid’s lives to pass had gotten no further than I had. In fact my light turned green to go before hers did! I had to laugh to myself, and I knew that because I chose to accept the situation the way it was, in the end, I had enjoyed the ride.

So try to trust God, accept your situation the way it is, know He has a plan, and “enjoy the ride”!

Been out of Commission

Still trying to acclimate myself to some new medication. Over the past couple of weeks, my creativity has dropped below baseline but I'm beginning to feel a little better.

Taking a day off from church today and spending time with the family. Our plan is to hit International House of Pancakes this morning although I don't know what's so international about a pancake house. I like visiting the south where a Waffle House is on every corner. It's kind of like Starbucks in California. The menu is simple - waffles, eggs, sausage and coffee. Tasty, too.

Parker is having a friend over later and the kids will be in the pool most of the day. High temp should be about 102.

Guest blogger Glen Bryant

One morning on my way to work I came across what appeared to be an emergency scene. You know, like when there’s a fire or traffic accident and all the response vehicles are there with all the lights flashing and people scurrying about their business. Although there was a fleet of vehicles with lights active and a whole team of guys ready to do their job, this scene was different. These were the cable guys. At 6:30am, we had what appeared to be a “cable emergency”!

I had to laugh to myself thinking how cable TV could be so important that it would ever require this kind of response. Then I began to think of the people who at that very moment might be experiencing a morning with NO CABLE. Oh, the infamy. I could picture peoples day coming to a screeching halt as they checked their TV sets and screamed to family members, “the cable’s out”, with panic in their voice, not knowing how this could be possible. I imagined how some, even though they might already be running late, picked up their phones to call and find out what’s wrong. “How could they let this happen”, they might say. The thought really had me laughing as I arrived at work.

It got me thinking how we react to life’s injustices and what really qualifies as an injustice. Does cable fit in to this category? What about a long line at the grocery store? What about being in that line at the store behind someone using government assistance coupons? What about being in a hurry and being behind someone who has the nerve to drive the speed limit!? What about bad or no reception on our cell phone?

I could go on and on with examples of so-called modern day injustices that we react very strongly to, that we spend valuable time discussing and complaining about, that we wish we could eradicate once and for all! The fact of the matter is…these do not qualify as injustices, but just inconveniences.

So what is an injustice? What about people dying every day from hunger? What about people dying every day from sicknesses that there is treatment for? What about people dying because there isn’t enough clean water to drink? What about people sleeping in the freezing cold because they have no home to live in? Shall I go on? “How could God let this happen?” is the common cry we hear. “If God is good then how come…….?”

Well let’s see. Is there enough food on earth for everybody? Do we have the vaccines and medicines to treat the ill? Could we provide clean water for everyone? What about shelter? Do we have the financial means to provide homes for the homeless?

The answer is YES. God has provided us with the resources to take care of all His children. The problem is that the rich get richer, and the poor get poorer. Now that’s not to say that no one is helping, because there are many, many great organizations that are out there doing a great job, the problem is that the need is greater than what’s being given. We’ve all heard it before, but I just wonder what would happen if we reacted to the real injustices like we react to our cable going out. What would happen if we took action like we do when the TV screen goes blank?

I think it could change the world.

Great day

I'm taking Parker out of school today so that we can see the Dodgers play the Mets at noon. I'm learning that these are times he and I will remember for years to come. My dad took me to see the Angels play the Royals when I was 7 or 8. I remember seeing George Brett sign a certain part of a woman's anatomy after the game. Funny how you just remember certain things, isn't it? The point - I treasured that day with my dad. He was a hard worker and I don't fault him for our inability to share more time together. However, I'm not going to let that happen to Parker. I will leave work early, take less money, cancel more commitments, and allow him to cut more class if we can share special moments together. Go Dodgers.

I finished

I had never run 13 miles. Heck, I had never run more than 8.4 miles but on Saturday, I completed a half marathon at Mooney Grove Park. We ran an incredibly boring route past 1 dairy, 2 remains of road kill, and sucked in 2 hours worth of toxic valley air.

That's me at the finish line.

Guest blogger Glen Bryant

A few weeks ago, at the place where I work, we had a construction project going to replace the asphalt in the area between the main parking lot and the facility entrance. This was going to require all the foot traffic to go out to the sidewalk by the road, increasing the walk by about 100 feet.

I set up orange cones and caution tape all around the unsafe area, accompanied by signs giving people directions on how to get where they were trying to go, safely. I did the best I could to make sure there was no doubt about which way traffic should go, and which way they should not go. I even stood out in the parking lot to try to help those who were confused, and give them guidance.

At first most were pleasant about it and understood and would turn toward the road where the sidewalk was. There were some though, that wanted to walk straight through, even though there was heavy equipment operating through the area, and the asphalt was being torn out, and the ground was unlevel and rocky. 100 feet, to be safe, didn’t seem that far to me, but I continually had to stop people who were going under the tape, ignoring all the signs, and stepping into the dangerous area. Anytime I turned my back for a minute, I’d look out and there would be people walking straight through, right by all the tractors and trucks, putting themselves at risk for injury or even death!

“What’s wrong with these people!”, I kept asking myself and my co-worker. “100 feet! All the warnings of danger in place, the caution tape, the orange cones, the signs! Are they in that much of a hurry? Do they think that it doesn’t apply to them? Are they just not paying attention?” There was nothing more I could do. All the signs were there and they could see with their own eyes that it just wasn’t safe. Why? Some people were even getting down right ugly when I redirected them to the detour. Waving me off and saying things under their breath as they walked away. One guy that was in the middle of the construction area told me not to “insult his intelligence” and insisted there was no warnings! It was unbelievable!

By day four of the project, about midday, I was done. I couldn’t do it anymore. Nobody wanted to listen. I was tired of being treated like I was some dummy, or a mean person. I quit. The signs were all there. They were on their own.

I sat in the shop, looking out the window, watching everyone ignore all the signs, saying “why, why won’t they obey the signs, why won’t they listen?” My co-worker came in and saw that I was upset and told me not to let it bother me…that I shouldn’t get mad about it. I told him, “I not mad but just very disappointed in people. Why would they ignore all the signs of danger?” Then I said, “It’s ok, there has to be something I can learn from this. Don’t they know that all I’m trying to do is keep them safe?”

That’s when it hit me. This is how God feels when He looks down on us. He has put out the caution tape and cones (The Bible). All the signs are in place. He even puts people in our path (pastors, friends, family). He has done everything He possibly can to keep us safe because He loves us, and what do we do? We ignore all the signs and warnings, even the people He puts in our lives. We want to do it our way, the easy way, the quick way. We see the caution tape, we grab it, lift it over our head, and walk right into the middle of an unsafe area. Will something bad happen every time? Absolutely not! That’s how we get comfortable in our sin. Hey, if I got away with it once with no consequences, I can do it again, right? It’s like playing Russian roulette with our lives…our future.

God had given me a chance to see the world through His eyes. To experience the pain and grief that He feels every time we step under the caution tape right into the middle of danger. My frustration turned into blessing as I realized He had taken the time to show me how He feels, so I might understand and share it with others.

The good news is this…I gave up on the people, He will never give up on us. I left the people to their own fate…God walks beside us even in our sin. He has the amazing ability to love us no matter what we do. I , for one, am so thankful for that.

So look into your hard times closely, there might just be a lesson in it for you. It might just change your perspective on life!

One more thing…if any of those people who walked under the tape had gotten hurt, guess who they would have blamed for it? That’s right, my employer. They would have had lawyers in place in no time, wanting someone else to pay for their mistake.

So who do we blame when bad things happen in our lives…..that’s right, we blame God.

Think about it.

I am not that guy

I’m enjoying being a pastor…most days. The difficult thing for me is being a “spiritual leader” when I don’t feel like it or, more often than not, when I don’t feel capable of it because of my own failings, hurts, and hang-ups. As someone who is in the helping profession, I feel most qualified when I am working with someone who is sick (or someone who is at least sicker than me).

Most people see me, first, as a pastor but I it seems that I am most effective when I’m just a regular guy with a regular job living a regular life. I’m no better than anyone else although many people often place pastors on a higher plane than everyone else. If I can appear normal, I work from an advantage.

One of my favorite teachers is Craig Groeschel who pastors a church in Oklahoma. He offers some tips for pastors on demystifying out spiritually superior role.

* If you’re courageous enough to expose selected spiritual doubts, people may relate to you as a real person.
* If you carefully reveal a marital struggle, people may be more likely to listen.
* When you talk about certain personal failures, many people will feel an increased bond with you.
* If you are hurting and you express your need, your church family can be aware to pray for and minister to you.

It’s not uncommon for someone to say to me, “When you shared about your struggle with ____________ (fill in the blank), I knew you were someone I could relate to.”

A few people might reject me for my authentic confessions, but, I believe, the vast majority appreciate that I'm a genuine believer wrestling to grow closer to Christ. It helps me relate to people (and vice-versa) when I wear the “normal” banner instead of acting spiritually superior. So far, it's working.

My kid plays baseball...in the house

It's our "holy wall".

Tonight

Taking the family to a Fresno Grizzlies game tonight. Looking forward to some relaxing time at a great baseball stadium.

Doc put me on a new medication for ADD yesterday. Seems there's actually a medicinal fix for failure to focus. How did we survive for hundreds of years without ADD medication? It makes me feel kinda weird. Need to decide what I can live with - failure to focus or feeling weird. Jury is still out.

1/2 marathon tomorrow. I've never run 13.1 miles. In fact, I've never run more than 10 miles but now that I'm so focussed, it should be a cake walk (HA!) That's me in the picture finishing the Boston Marathon. It was fun.

Phone Consultations

The American Medical Association recently came out with some comments on internet doctors. In case you don't know, just about anyone can get just about anything on the internet including medications. Everything from Frontline for fleas to Viagra for...well...not fleas. As far as the AMA is concerned, on-line medical services are dangerous, inconsistent, and should be illegal. Here's how it works in many cases:

1. Patient goes on-line.
2. Patient uses his/her extensive medical knowledge to determine what they need for what they have.
3. Patient requests medication.
4. "Doctor" analyzes symptoms and, in most cases, initiates an electronic consultation.
5. Medical decision is made.

The best doctors spend time with patients. The very best doctors spend more time with patients. Questions are asked, information is exchanged, and decisions are made based on more - not less - information. Granted, the AMA is committed to representing doctors who operate in traditional ways but I can understand their hesitation about electronic doctoring.

A business hero of mine, Tim Sanders, recently blogged about Dr. Albert Mehrabian at the University of California. For decades he has studied how humans decode intentions. For example, there is a huge difference in email, phone, and face-to-face communication. He calls it "communication effectiveness". In our communication exchanges, 55% of information is delivered through facial cues, 38% is tone, and only 7% is verbal. Wow. And I thought what I said was soooooooooooo much more important than how I said it. I guess mom was always right when I got in trouble for a sassy voice and the trademark eye roll.

Although we rely on email to transfer loads of information, email should never be used to communicate bad news (or even good news for that matter). He tells us to pick up the phone or, if at all possible, use face-to-face communication. Our Blackberries seem life giving but they can also be relationship killers over time.

Take two and call me in the morning - don't text.